I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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