thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
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