a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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