Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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