Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
