while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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