You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
my poor anus
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
