You really coming over, don't trick.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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