Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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