i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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