I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
