girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
