i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm having to shit out rocks
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
