He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
