Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
