I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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