I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize