I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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