textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize