at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
