While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
