I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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