I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
