I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
