Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
