My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
