Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The ass gains better be worth it
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
