I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
