Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Sober January is a disaster.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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