I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
