im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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