You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We need to get me chipped asap
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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