Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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