he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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