we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
