She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
