how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
