alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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