can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
