then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize