JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The best revenge is premature balding
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
