Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
