I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
