the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
