he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
