u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
