He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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