This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i now understand why vodka
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
