Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
