the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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