The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
