i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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