can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
