I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
