Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
