I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
