It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
