Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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