I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
